The Last Few Days (Dissociation)

I’ve been trying to write, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to type, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to speak, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to reach out, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to text, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to call, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to ask for help, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to meditate, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to pray, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to talk to you and others to explain, but I can’t.

I am so lost. I am so confused. I am so dazed. I am so numb.

I don’t know what I think. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know who I am. I have lost Kate. I have lost time. I have lost space. I have lost hope. I have lost a battle.

I do not feel or look real. You do not feel or look real. This world does not feel or look real. Who am I? Who are you? What is life?

I am different. I am disconnected. I am isolated. I do not belong here. I am not here; I am elsewhere; somewhere far away. I have left and I don’t know when I will be back.

I am an angel, or so it feels. I am a ghost, or so it feels. I am dead, or so it feels. I am a soul and nothing else. I have a beating heart, but everything else in me has died.

Everything around me looks unreal, illusion-like, superficial, holographic.

What the fuck is going on?

I don’t know who I am anymore and I have nothing more to say; and if I did, I could not put it into words. So, silent I will stay, dissociated I will stay. This is the only way that I know how to survive and stay alive.

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