Self-expression

I have suffered from severe mental illness my entire life. It comes and goes. It hits me in waves – some big, some small. Sometimes it’s manageable; sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I’m okay; sometimes I’m not. Right now, I am not, but I am learning to accept that it is okay not to be okay. You see, despite how I am doing, I am chronically suicidal. These thoughts and feelings won’t go away, and I know I am not alone. And if no one is going to talk about suicide, then I will. Judge me all you want – I don’t give a fuck. Love me or hate me – only God can judge me. You can take me as I am, or leave. I couldn’t care less. At this very moment, I feel extremely angry and upset – mainly at the mental health system – and I am feeling the need to express myself. So, here goes nothing…

To the mental health system
One expression: my middle finger
Two words: fuck you
You’re suppose to care
You’re suppose to be there
You’re suppose to help me
You’re not helping me
You’re asking me questions
Assessing how “at risk” I am
Are you feeling suicidal?
Yes
Do you have a plan?
Yes
Have you attempted suicide in the past?
Yes
Have you hurt others or yourself?
At the moment, no
Are you using drugs and/or alcohol?
At the moment, no
What’s going on?
I tell them everything
What do the voices tell you to do?
I tell them everything
Have you listened to these voices?
At the moment, no
How is your support system?
It’s great; I am blessed
Outcome: take these pills; they should help
I don’t want pills
I want and need help
I’m feeling unsafe; I’m feeling afraid
I’m at risk; I’m suicidal
I don’t want to feel anymore
I don’t want to live anymore
What do I need to do for you to take me seriously?
Do I need to go back to my old ways?
Do I need to start using drugs and/or alcohol?
Do I need to overdose, or attempt suicide?
Do I need to hurt others and/or myself?
Do I need to threaten to kill myself?
Do I need to give in to these voices?

That was something I wrote a while back. Now, today, I woke up this morning and I was okay. I went to my psychiatrist appointment and tried my best to share how I have been doing, and what I have been thinking, feeling, etc. I got triggered… Why? Because so many health professionals (and people) do not know how to respond to people who are vulnerable, in crisis, or at risk. They don’t understand. They don’t even try to. They don’t listen. They don’t even try to. They don’t care. They don’t know anything. I can see it. I can feel it. People say and do all of the wrong things. People judge and criticize you. It is never them; it is always us. We are “crazy”, “mentally ill”, “unstable”. This is what I am being told today. Then, I am told I am not acting my age. Well, thank you, psychiatrist, that is exactly what I need to hear to calm down and feel better. There is more, but I won’t even go there. I wish that they could experience all of the trauma that I have been through, so they understand. I haven’t been through one traumatic incident, or two, or three, or four, or five, or ten, or twenty… I have been through that and so much fucking more. How can you tell a person that they are childish, without understanding the pain that they surround in? Ugh. I know I don’t act my age sometimes. I know I’m weird. I know I’m different. I know I seem crazy. Ugh, but nobody understands and nobody listens. Now, I have been involuntarily taken to crisis. Tell me this – tell me why – why, when I ask for help, I do not get admitted, but when I do not ask for help, I get admitted? Tell me why nobody takes the time to listen to me and at least try to understand? I try to share with people what I am experiencing, but then I get locked up and isolated, and I am given medication to sedate me. I feel so angry and upset. I feel so tired. The mental health system frustrates me so much. Ugh. I don’t belong in this world and if I do, do you know where I fit in the most? With the other “misfits”, with the people who are labeled “crazy” and “mentally ill”, in the hospital, in the psychiatric unit.

That is my rant.

From Kate, Katie and Etak…

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